I always go by the 'Tenner Test' to tell the difference between a cold and the flu.
It goes like this: If you see a 10-pound note on the pavement outside and there is no way you would go and get it, you have flu.
If you have a cold, well then, the milky bars are on you.
Quite frankly, for the past ten days, if John Cusack - my celebrity crush du jour - had been wearing a suit of crumpled fifties outside my house, I'd have not given a hairy goose.
I am not sure what category of flu I have but it's bronchial, it's tickly and I honk like Will Self from the moment I wake up to when I go to bed.
If it was a hurricane it would probably be called 'Hurricane La La Princess Pea' beacuse the cuter the name the more vicious it is.
Anyway enough about me, how are you? Are you feeling poorly? Here are ten ways to tell how sick you are.
You're a 'little bit' sick if:
1. You can't do anything useful, i.e., take out the rubbish, but can eat Maltesers while watching back to back Grey's Anatomy and Ghostbusters, very well.
2. You are able to muster enough strength to make a small journey to the little Tesco to stock up on essentials, such as, Nurofen, crumpets, Twinings tea bags and a flake.
3. You are valiantly carrying on as usual, shopping for a lovely new pair of boots for Winter, doing an oil change, craniofacial surgery etc.
You are 'moderately' sick if:
4. You have called work and actually feel a bit sick.
5. You can't face a Sunday dinner (including yorkshires), or a cooked breakfast of any kind.
6. You think it's a good idea to have the sick bowl (i.e. your largest cake mixing bowl) pivoted on the arm of the sofa, 'just in case'
You are 'seriously' sick if:
7. You are lying face down on the bed, fully clothed (including outerwear and shoes) with one side of your face lying on an ever increasing circle of pillow spit
8. You're staring at the bottom of one of those grotty toilet brush holders, a little lost sponge stuck to the waste pipe at the back of your loo and someone else's feet
9. Normal standards of cleanliness have been abandoned in favour of: 'I know it's the spoon reserved for the cat food but I really need to take this medicine now'.
10. You look down to see that your two-year old is rolling a ball of used chewing gum between their fingers and just shrug.
There you have it, Dr Blamey's surgery is now closed due to 'serious' illness. Please feel free to leave your comments below.