10 Reasons the School Run Sucks

I was inducted into the dark world of the primary school run a little over a year ago. If I’d have known what I know now, I sometimes wonder whether I’d have joined the motherhood at all.

Ha! 'Weakling arse badger' you think. Hashtag cocking ‘first world problems’ you blast. Well, please, let me introduce you to 10 terrifying secrets of the school run.

1. Let’s play a game – It doesn't matter where your little darling's school is located, inner city London or two down from a vacant cow field, there is, and never will be, enough parking. 

Like a sadistic game straight from Saw's Jigsaw, you can hear the words: ‘Hello Parents, I want to play a game. There are four parking spaces to 150 of you...’

2. Breaking the law  Dropping and collecting your child at school will cause you to break the law. 

I’ve done and witnessed countless criminal acts in the bid to catapult my child through the gates before the second bell of doom. Including, pavement parking, off-roading, traffic cone removing and – yes I’m guilty - the tossing aside of large rocks, logs and other detritus residents put on verges to prevent parents parking outside their property. 

If it can be moved, it will be moved motherf*cker.

3. Five-minute meltdown – There is no way to avoid the five-minute meltdown before you leave the house to do the school run. You can try but it won’t happen. 

I’ve woken up half an hour earlier, showered the night before, set out my child's school uniform in the shape of a small human, time travel - nothing works. The last five minutes before you leave the house will always descend into a screamy, stompy rapid fire question round:  ‘Where’s your tie? Oh my god, where is it? Where are your shoes? Put them on. For God's sake, why’s there toothpaste on your jumper? Wait, don’t move, there’s a pterodactyl in your hair.’

The five-minute meltdown pretty much always spills out onto the street at the exact moment your neighbour decides to faff about with their green bin.

5. School run buddies – Like all new journeys in life, starting school, going to uni etc. the school run requires you to buddy up to make it through. 

A quick word of warning. Choose your school run chums carefully. These people will see you for 20-minutes twice a day at your best and your worst for the next seven years. 

In just 12-months my school run buddies have seen me hungover, emotional, giddy, sick, with make-up, without make-up, make-up on my forehead, teary and elated. The good news is this crash course in bonding means you've probably made friends for life. Or blackmailers - it just depends how you look at it.  

6. Judgey, judgey  – The playground is a cold, unforgiving environment. Because you don’t know people’s names the labelling starts very early on. For example, in my circle, there’s ‘Fruit shoot Mum’,‘Loomy Dad’ and I’m ashamed to say ‘Hooters Mum’ who has a habit of wearing crop tops irrespective of climate or occasion. Just know that they all have names for you too and you’ll all get along fine.

              

7. It will make you cry – Sometimes this fraught, time-sensitive journey will reduce you to tears. 

I had my first Michael Douglas Falling Down moment a few weeks ago. I was late, stuck in traffic when a school coach wedged me in. The coach driver grumpily ushered me to reverse back along a road lined with parked cars. It was too much. I knew I was in the wrong but I rolled down my window and loaded 12 barrels of f-you in his direction. Then I cried.

8. You will see dead things – At some point you will see something dead on the school run. 

Pheasants, rabbits and badgers have a habit of dying on verges in the early hours. This means early decomposition coincides perfectly with your morning walk to school. Be prepared for lots of questions and even curious stick poking. 

9. Dads on the school run – In 2016, Dads doing the school run is a very normal occurrence.  However, Dads tend to have their own set of rules which I quite admire. They operate on the periphery, like lone wolves in North Face Jackets. They don't engage in small talk about nits or dick about under the shelter pretending to read their phone. A common technique is to rock up at the last minute, walk in confident, avoid all eye-contact, grab the kid and get hell out of dodge. That's it - in and out, without so much as a f*ckety-bye.   

10. All weathers - It doesn’t matter what the weather is doing because your child’s school will have its own micro-climate. 

Prepare for rain and the playground becomes a back-sweat inducing sun-trap, prepare for sun and torrential rain will ensue. My advice is wear waders with everything.

    

School run fun? What’s your experience? Also if you like this please share the love, innit. 

£70-a-week food shop – Are you having a giraffe?

‘Phrrrrt!’ was the noise I made when Ed Miliband claimed he spent £70 on his weekly shop. Out of touch? Just a Lidl.    

The average food bill for a family four is estimated at around £100 a week. As a family of two adults and a small child our weekly grocery shopping regularly hits around the £100 mark.  Not to mention top up trips to Little Tesco.

While a friend of mine with three children under 10 said she was struggling to bring in her weekly shop at under an eye-watering £185.

Ed’s guestimate would be about right if it related to just food, the trouble is there is so much more to a food shop.

A quick review of my receipt yesterday revealed several unexpected items in the bagging area including, a bottle of Southern Comfort (but it has cherry in it), a six pack of nice ‘n’ spicy Nik Naks (they were on offer) and a strawberry chapstick. ('Pur-lease Mummy, I love straw-bees').   

Asda is a particularly dangerous when it comes to picking up every day essentials. 

I go in for a Toastie loaf and come out with two deck chairs and a Godzilla onesie.   

So how do you stick to your shopping guns?

Here’s a few tips for saving lolly on your weekly trolley. 

Vouchers – You know all those wafty bits of paper they hand you when you get your change, some of them are actually fairly decent offers.  Anything from £6 off your next £40 shop (£6 that’s like two bales of toilet rolls!) to bonus club card points, it’s all money, use them!

Shop online – I am a shopper’s dream. No list, just time on my hands and a vague idea that I need to buy some sustenance.  Stop! Shop online - no distractions, no impulse purchases and no kid bribes.

Some supermarkets such as Sainsbury’s and Waitrose offer free delivery slots if you spend a certain amount.  

Meal planning – I am guilty of being a one meal shopper. Yes it’s yawnsome but you’d be amazed by how much you save by planning next week’s meals in advance. 

Meal planning reduces random trips to the supermarket and is a great way to make meals stretch. So if you’re having a chicken roast on Sunday, use the leftovers to make a chicken casserole or chicken goujans the next day. 

Less meat - As my Dad always barked when I was little: 'Eat the meat!'

Meat is the priciest part of the meal. Plan a few meat-free meals every week, such as pasta, jacket potatoes or home made pizza.

‘Whoops’ aisle – Elbows ready! The Whoops aisle is the place for items that’s just about to go out of date or where packaging is slightly damaged.  There are lots of bargains to be had and you can always pop stuff in the freezer to have another day.  Check out Kate Barrett’s blog – who rustles up gourmet meals for just a few pence: http://domesticgoddessingonashoestring.blogspot.co.uk/

Do you have any ideas for frugal food shopping?

Let me know on here or on Twitter @melissablamey

Peaches didn’t die of a heroin overdose but a broken heart

The headline that Peaches might have succumbed the same way as her mum, of a heroin overdose, struck more of a chord with me than I would imagine.

Yes, I was as shocked as anyone at Peaches sudden passing but to discover that it might be in the same way as Paula died says much more about Peaches’ state of mind.

To her thousands of Twitter followers Peaches was a wholesome beacon of light, living out the perfect young mum existence, raising two boys, mashing vegetables, walking her dogs, painting Easter eggs. But beneath the veil of home-spun fun life might have been quite different.   

What I have learnt is that becoming a mother doesn't necessarily erase the loss of losing a mother.

I didn't lose my mum to such rock-and-roll circumstances as a heroin overdose but to common, household-name, cancer.

Loss of a parent at any age is visceral and raw but for children and young adults it seems  particularly destructive, leaving many forever weakened and fragile by that loss. 

It’s scary to admit that when I became a mother myself, it helped, but it didn’t heal. In some ways it made the absence more apparent.

In the early days I would see new mums with their mums everywhere. Steering them through the down times, the sleepless nights, the sore bits, the days when they didn’t have time to shower.    

I was fortunate to have a lovely supportive partner. But when I find myself huffing into a paper bag outside Sainsbury’s to stave off another panic attack I wonder, is this me or what happened to mum still?

You see sometimes on the really dark days (luckily these are few and far between), I resonate with those people who are brave enough to square-up to the unknown and slip into a drugged sleep.

I suspect there is nothing afterwards but maybe, just maybe I would get to see my mum again.

  

I imagine sharing a Guinness with her on a sunny Autumn day. She would probably bark at me 14 years’ worth of stiff talking to.  

Asking why I didn't leave ‘so and so’ sooner, why I still highlight my hair (you’re almost 40), why I wrote such a verbose inscription on her grave (grief does funny things) and, importantly, why I gave her car boot treasure away.

My mum died aged 49 and like many people whose parents have died I expect to die at the stroke of midnight on the same day.  I also think that despite the warnings I am pursuing the same path.

There are many steps I could take to avoid breast cancer and yet here I am, blithely drinking my daily allowance of alcohol, not exercising and rarely checking for lumps and bumps.

Perhaps Peaches was on a sabotage mission too?

In trying to recreate the idyllic childhood she had had and taking thoughtful well planned steps to avoid inflicting the pain she had felt, history repeated itself anyway.

  

Consciously I want to avoid the same route as my mum’s death; sub-consciously I think there's something darkly comforting suspecting it might be the same.

Whether the cause of Peaches’ death proves to be true or not, I hope that wherever she is she’s at peace. Or enjoying a natter and cold Guinness with Paula.

Good night sweet girl. 

@melissablamey

Food Bank Bucks

If, like me, you are still rubbing your tummy like a happy Samiad after a glut of indulgence over Christmas then perhaps it’s timely to think about food banks in Bucks.

This was my 39^th Christmas and despite the joy of being able to share it with my little family, something ugly crept in and gnawed at its glittery edges.

Maybe it’s the downturn, maybe it’s growing older but this year I was acutely aware of the grubby consumer Grinch pawing at my purse.     

Supermarkets, stuffing their aisles with goodies to eat from September, adverts touting sales before Christmas day, Easter eggs on sale from 1^st January, all before the pounding of weight watchers and gym membership started.

It’s like we’re on a giant fun fair ride whose only aim is to shake as much change out of you as possible.   

The ‘Pig Goes Pop’ game my 4-year-old received for her birthday has become a cheap plastic reminder of what we have become.  

Born, consume, pop.

Each day the need in Britain grows for food banks.

Unemployment, escalating energy bills and rising food costs are pushing more people than ever before to the financial brink and into food poverty. 

Hunger is horrible.  Or, at least, so I am told.  

I am fortunate enough to only know hunger through choice. True hunger ebbs and flows.  First you feel shaky and weak, then pain which fades until all you feel is hollow and tired.                 

Speaking to Kate Vale, Food Bank Coordinator of One Can Trust - a Bucks-based charity that provides free emergency food parcels - there are around 12,000 children in Bucks living in income poverty.

This translates to approximately one in five children in High Wycombe going to bed hungry.

Sadly, the demand for short-term emergency food parcels in the area is growing. Latest figures from One Can Trust show that number of food parcels issued in 2011 was 225; in 2013 this figure rose to 3,347.

In order to use a food bank you must be referred by a registered agency, such as a healthcare practice, social services or a homeless centre.

Donations, from schools, supermarkets, companies and individuals are delivered to the Big Yellow Self-Storage centre on the London Road. The food is then checked (it must be within use by date), sorted and packed by volunteers for delivery to those in need in the area.

There are around 100 volunteers who generously give up their time to help One Can Trust pack and distribute the food parcels; however, there is always need for more.

I know there are wider term issues to consider here.

I appreciate that food banks are a quick fix, a sticking plaster for something fundamentally wrong with the system - whether that’s cutting people’s benefits, rising unemployment or something else – but we and the Government can’t ignore the rise in food banks.      

I hope to give up my time soon. If you can give up one or two hours a week or offer food donations contact One Can Trust here http://onecantrust.org.uk/contact-us/ or call 07731 789313.

  

    

Funerals - An inadequate way to say goodbye?

Nothing sharpens your focus on what’s important in life than a friend or relatives’ funeral.

I expect anyone who has lived in Buckinghamshire for any length of time will be familiar with the sweeping drive up to Chilterns Crematorium.

Last week I attended the funeral of my dear old neighbour, Stan.

At 89, Stan passed away of a heart attack whilst under observation for an un-heart related illness in hospital. So although it was expected, there was still a bit of shock value to his passing, he’d have liked that. 

A former soldier and about as cockney as they come, Stan was a genuine character of our cul-de-sac.

I’ll personally remember him for his great sense of humour and kindness – he walked my aging shih tzu every day for years - only ever accepting a fiver on a friday for a beer as payment.

He also once nursed my ailing fairground goldfish back to health in an orange bucket - which he found hilarious as it took us ages to actually spot the fish.

He was a colourful eccentric, leaving Christmas lights on all year round and driving every morning (choke fully open) to get his morning paper. 

His porch was like Blackpool grockle shop. Covered with all manner of tantalising trinkets, from dangling plastic spiders to odd flower pot men fashioned out of old wood and pots. The poor district nurses popping in at night must have had the bejeebers scared out of them.

Living directly opposite, he’d watch me dither about every Tuesday evening, playing ‘wheelie bin bingo’ before hollering out the right colour.Stan also seemed to know the Wycombe District Council’s Wheelie Bin rota by heart.

And he was always right, even on Bank Holidays.

The Funeral Format

Sitting in silence, save for a few muffled sobs, as the curtain symbolically closed around Stan’s casket I couldn’t help feel the inadequacy of the British funeral.

No reflection of Stan’s daughter’s heartfelt eulogy or his granddaughter’s poignant reading of the poem ‘Stand Down Soldier’, there was something amiss in the format.  And perhaps that’s exactly what it is, a funeral format.

It’s a great leveler to know that life will probably come down to a 20-minute presentation about your achievements, two songs (one likely to be Wind Beneath my Wings) and a finger buffet at the local boozer.

The truth is that unless you verbalise or put in writing your last wishes no one is actually going to know what you want.

Having had that conversation my partner, I now know he wishes to be buried like a dog. 

This came about through the death of my neighbour’s beloved German shepherd, Maggie, several years ago.   

'Baggins' as she was affectionately known, died suddenly of a heart attack whilst out trotting on her daily walk.

No warning, no illness, no injection in the paw, just here one moment then crossing over the rainbow bridge the next.

Hearing the news and knowing what Baggins meant to her owners, a number of us gathered at their home. Her body, still warm, lay in the back of their car; there had been no time to get to the vets.

Although in shock there was an air of a job to be done.  Almost without speaking, the men folk (very Downton-esque, I know) went to the bottom of the garden and started to dig.

They dug for hours in the cold Autumn drizzle. Huge mounds of earth piling up each side. In the end the hole was deep and wide enough for a human. 

Wrapped in her old blanket, they carefully laid Baggins down in her muddy forever bed. The first few spades of earth were cast by her owner before the rest joined in.

This gesture changed my partner’s view of funerals forever. Upon his passing he wants the same treatment. And despite it probably being a jail-able offense, I understand.

There’s something beautiful and cathartic about digging the final resting place for someone you love.

It's dirty, it's hard work and above all it's real.

Forget sanitised funerals, pan piped Eva Cassidy songs and finger buffets, let’s get stuck in.    

What do you think? I'd love to know.

The Dos and Don'ts of Blogger Wooing

So you’re blogging. Congratulations. But no blog is an island. Neither should it be. 

Unless you’re Hugh Grant in About a Boy. 

Or one of those weird islands that no one visits.

To make your blog an island that people want to visit, stick around and even buy from the gift shop then you need to build your name.

The first important step of building you name is to woo other bloggers.

By having your site mentioned on other people’s blogs you create all important back links to your blog. As well as helping to raise your profile, Google likes back links as it says ‘hey, this guy is worth listening to’ – helping to improve your site ranking.

So how do you go about building relationships with other bloggers? 

Here are some important Dos:

Make a list – First things first. Make a shopping list of blogs you would like to be mentioned on. More than 10, less than 50.

Before you jump in and send any kind of pitch as to why a blogger should feature your product/mention your venue/plug your blog subscribe to their blog and follow them on Twitter, LinkedIn and Facebook.

Listen – would you butt into a three way conversation about best children's DVDs by suggesting the new Paranormal Activity film? No.

The next step is to listen.

Listen to each blogger’s conversations individually. What topics does this blogger specialise in? What do they get excited about? Who have they previously featured as guest bloggers? Do they include a list of requirements for submissions on their site? (lots of bloggers do - if so, take note).

Get to know the blogger and their themes so you can align your pitch to their exact needs.

Follow – when you have a good idea of a blogger’s niche then it is time to act - but not with your pitch. A simple 'Hi there', a constructive comment on their latest post or a retweet saying why this post is useful should get you noticed. Don't do it too much, you're following, not stalking. It just means that when you do pitch you’re not cold calling.

Engage – Once you know about your blogger and I mean really know only then it’s time to pitch. Firstly, make sure the story that you are pitching is newsworthy – so you've decked out your new reception? You've added an oojamaflip to the whats-it, so now your thingy goes really fast? Sorry but save it for your newsletter. 

Bloggers want fresh, new, exclusive (ideally) content, after all that’s how they tantalise and increase their subscribers.

Once you have your story, keep your email short, keep it punchy and outline clearly why the blogger’s readership needs your story.

Yes, you may be contacting 20 other bloggers with the same pitch but, if it matters then take the time to personalise each email, including the blogger’s name.    

Follow up. Yes it is ok to follow up. Once. A week later. But never pester. 

If the blogger isn't interested don't be disheartened, if it is a very popular blog then they will receive hundreds of pitches a month. Wait a few weeks, have a re-think and try again with another fresh angle.

Next time I will cover the Don'ts of wooing bloggers. If you want to make friends with bloggers to increase your coverage I am an award-winning copywriter and blogger in Buckinghamshire. Email me on melissa_blamey@hotmail.co.uk

Beat bleak business times with some banging SEO

There is no doubt this is a tough time for UK businesses which is why – whether you are Maurice’s Pet Shop, or a global tech business - having an up-to-date, Google-grabbing website is essential for attracting new business and raising all important revenue. But in these bleak business times is your website working hard enough?

With peoples’ attention spans shorter than a gnat’s whisker it is no good appearing on page four of Google’s search results, by then your buyer has opened the first two links, spied what they want, bagged it and run. 

To give your website the edge on Google, it is important that each page is given the full SEO (Search Engine Optimisation) treatment, which is basically making sure that Google understands exactly what it is you do.  

Here are 9 tips to make your website work harder for you:

1.    Keywords - The first step to website wonderment is to identify the relevant keywords for your business. This is relatively simple; all you have to do is concentrate on the words that people type into a search engine to find the services you offer.

For example, if you sell fishing tackle, users might type in ‘fishing tackle’, ‘fishing rods’ or ‘fishing equipment.’ You also want to identify location-based keywords, as people often type in what they are looking for, followed by the location. For example, ‘fishing tackle High Wycombe’.

Much better than the power of guesswork, however, is to employ some nifty tools to find relevant keywords for you, such as, Google Analytics or the Google Adwords keywords function.

2.    Once you have identified your relevant keywords try to use them in your website domain name. For example, calling your website www.billybass.co.uk doesn’t include information about what you do, where as ‘billsfishingtackleinwycombe.co.uk’ does.

3.    As well as including a selection of carefully chosen keywords in your META description - the short description of your business below your Google listing - also use your keywords in each of your page URLs. For example: www.billsfishingtackle.co.uk/fly-fishing-tackle

4.    Another way to improve your ranking is to make sure you include your main keyword in your page headings and subheading tags.

5.    Pepper your keywords throughout the text on all of your web pages. You shouldn't over stuff your content with keywords as it will read oddly; instead use them in the natural flow of the text. Also underline or bold keywords where you mention them to reinforce what your site is about.   

6.    If you link to another page on your site, use your keywords in the link as this will help improve your site ranking too. For example, if on page one you are talking about fishing rods and you mention fishing bait, you may want to include a link to another page selling fishing bait. Never use ‘click here’ to take your reader to another page, instead make the keyword the link. For example: ‘find out more about fishing bait’

      

7.    Meaningful, well-written content is a must for a successful website. Google prioritises sites with quality, authoritative content about a subject, so although it may take time (or a little investment if you hire a professional copywriter to do it) it will boost your website ranking.

8.    Get back-links. To help improve your site ranking, try to get listed on other reputable sites in your field that rank highly on Google, you can do this by offering to write a guest post or add a tantalising blog to your site that people with a common interest will share. Basically, the more sites that link to your site, the more gold stars Google will give you.

9.    As soon as you have completed your site, submit it to Google. Don’t expect things to happen overnight, it can take several weeks for Google to index a new site. In the meantime, work on making some worthwhile back-links from other quality sites that operate in your field.

These are just the basics and there are several more techniques you can use to improve your Google ranking.   

If you’re launching, or already have an online business, it is important to make sure your website has the right ingredients Google loves, this may take a little time but the reward of fresh, hungry custom will be well worth it.  

For more free friendly advice, pop over to www.melissablamey.com or reach me on Twitter @melissa blamey

Stay Classy San Diego.