Mum-upmanship. Brilliant. As if you don’t have enough to do.

I had a disconcerting encounter with another mum recently which led me to believe that Mum-upmanship – the concept of verbally getting ‘one over’ on another mum - is alive and, well, ready to suck the lifeblood out of you, if you let it.

I was an interviewee.  She was an interviewer.  

The job involved writing a weekly blog for her start-up business. 

Five minutes in we establish we both have toddler girls. 

Six minutes in, I say this is a good role for me as it will allow me to spend time with my two-year old. 

Six and half minutes in, she says she also works part-time to spend time at home with her daughter. 

And she has a Nanny. 

Eight minutes in, and on the subject of social media, I say I have just joined Twitter and have a paltry 100 followers. 

Eight minutes and 31 seconds in, she says she has 4,000 followers and ‘didn’t have to do anything to get them.’

Nine minutes in, a frosty handshake, and I am ejected from my interview with Business Mumm-ra.  

You may have noticed the phenomena of mum-upmanship when you fell pregnant.  Whether it was a friend, a neighbour, a colleague, or even your own mum (you never know), someone you know always chirrups that, they too, are pregnant.

Bump Buddy

Although your only common bond may have been to conceive at the same time, (that power cut was long though) you suddenly find yourself paired with your very own Bump Buddy (BB).   

Hurrah, you might think.  Someone to share the same milestones: morning vomittyness and scan dates. 

Someone to share the same questions: “When are you due?”,“Do you know whether it is a boy or a girl?”, “Is X (insert father’s name here) excited?”.

Someone to endure the same well-meaning comments: “Oh, you’ve a tiny bump, you need to feed that baby up”, or as my other half said: 

“Blimey, are you eating for two, or three, Cakey Price?”.

Of course, your relationship with your BB maybe a nine month giggle-a-thon but, as one mum-to-be, whose cousin was expecting at the same time, put it: “I felt as though I had entered a two woman pregnancy competition.” 

Before you know it, mum-upmanship can start to creep in to all kinds of foetal focused matters. 

From whether you are planning to do NCT or NHS classes, which vitamins you are or aren’t taking, whether you use bio-oil or organic, knitted-from-the-fur-of-baby-bees stretch mark cream, whether you plan to breastfeed, what kind of birth you want, through to, whether you are reading French to your unborn child through your womb wall.   

Sadly, pregnancy is just the nucleus of mum-upmanship. 

When junior arrives, there is a whole smorgasbord of scores to settle. 

For example - if you wanted to - whether you are able to breastfeed, whether your little one is hitting their mental and physical developmental milestones, which pre-school you want them to attend, what you put in their sandwiches etc.

I am only two years in, but as I overheard two Nannas in a lift frothing over their children’s successes this morning, I am pretty sure that this mum-upmanship thing is going to run and run.

What’s your experience of mum-upmanship?  How do you deal with a Mumm-ra?

Track Off! Five Very Important Reasons to Derail HS2

Pugs in Space - Whiteleaf Cross on the edge of the Chilterns   

Having been delayed, overcharged and jiggled about on many an unsatisfactory train journey in the UK, I understand the need for this country to improve its rail infrastructure.

I also appreciate that a high-speed super train will bring us in line with the rest of Europe (although interstellar space travel services are likely to be in operation before the HS2 is complete in 2026). 

I also concede that HS2 might encourage more foreign and domestic travellers to see more of our country, making it less ‘London centric’. 

But, really, is writing a highly bounceable cheque for 32 billion for a rail scheme in the hope that a few more outlying towns along the route will be colonised by Body Shop or Costa Coffee, worth it?

If the Government insists on putting forward such a flabby business case, here are my five very important reasons on why the HS2 needs to ‘track off’.

Housing - Buckinghamshire’s housing market is already in a fairly vulnerable and sad state. 

Latest provisional figures show that only 492 new homes were started in the county in the last quarter of 2011. That’s 33% less than the same quarter the previous year. Also, you only have to look around at the vast number of stagnating ‘for sale’ signs to see the lack of movement between buyers and sellers. 

Although confirming HS2’s route may have brought relief to some homeowners concerned whether high-speed Thomas the Tank Engine was going to be rattling their condiments, HS2 has brought uncertainty about house prices and homes ‘saleabiity’ to the whole area, hitting an already flagging market in the housing gooch. 

Passenger Productivity – HS2’s PR machine is working overtime telling us that the HS2 super train will shave 30 minutes off journey times.

That’s 30 minutes of cramming for an exam, 30 minutes finalising a presentation, 30 minutes pondering your ‘flat pack bee hive’ pitch for Dragons’ Den, 30 minutes thinking about bypassing Jimmy’s Pizza and cooking something real for dinner. 

When you consider what ideas may come to fruition in 30 minutes, denying thousands of passengers’ 'thought time' is a false economy, surely?

Show Business - DCI Barnaby: “You see Vicar, Miss Ingleby wasn’t hosting the cake stall at our jolly summer fete, she was conducting an affair with...” *225 mph HS2 train explodes out of tunnel in neighbouring garden, taking several red kites with it*.

The Vale of Aylesbury and Chiltern Hills’ villages, with their easy access to Pinewood Studios, have long been a backdrop for national and international programmes and films. 

From murder happy Midsomer and Oxford loving Lewis, through to Hollywood blockbusters like Sleepy Hollow and Nanny McPhee, these peaceful locations are prime fodder for producers. 

Not only will HS2 threaten to crush the investment and tourism these productions bring, but it will significantly reduce our chances of bumping into Johnny Depp at the hot food counter in Co-op. Has anyone sent a memo about HS2 to Spielberg, hmm? I wonder.

Red Kites – thanks to an intensive protection programme and people feeding them at transport cafes (not allowed apparently), the skies above the Chiltern’s are once again populated with these graceful forked-tailed birds of prey.

So much so, that we have caught them stalking our Pug.  Anyway, the point is, we’ve only just got them back, haven’t we?  

And finally, has the HS2 think tank not seen the disaster film Unstoppable? 

   

Bucks Baby – Five purse-friendly places to take your baby and toddler in High Wycombe

As this is my first blog post for the Bucks Free Press website, I am dedicating it to helping all those looking after little ones by posting a purse-friendly guide to the best spots in High Wycombe.

Having pounded the parks and fed the ducks everywhere, from Hughenden Park to the Rye, with my two year old, below are some of the tried and tested toddler friendly activities I have discovered to amuse and, most importantly, tire little ones. 


The Eden Centre – not to be confused with the Eden Project (although both are housed in glass bubbles), Wycombe’s Eden Centre is a haven for those moments when you cannot stomach a third repeat of your scratched Peppa Pig DVD.

   

With oodles of shops, cafes and strange vertical water fountains for your little one to 'sqoosh' their hands in, there is always something to do. 

If you’re looking for an energetic activity you could try one of the Gymboree music and movement classes designed for newborn through to five year olds.  Or, alternatively, if you had a difficult night and want somewhere quiet to sit, hunker down in one of Eden’s many eateries. 

A personal favourite of mine is the M&S cafe: wide seating areas with plenty of buggy room, scones the size of your head and, if you ask, someone to carry your tray to your table.  Perfect.  

Visit the Eden website for further information: http://www.edenshopping.co.uk/

High Wycombe Library – Wycombe library is a great place to hang out with your toddler.  Four floors of books, a lift with big buttons to press (providing it is not the alarm as my daughter has done several times) and during term time, a free ‘Bounce and Rhyme’ session is held every Friday at 11.00.   

For those not familiar with the Bounce and Rhyme concept, it’s a half hour session of singing children's songs and nursery rhymes.  The little ones love it and the big ones giggle when they don’t know the words to 'wind the bobbin up.'

The sessions are popular so advanced booking is required.  For more information call 0845 2303232 or email: lib-hiw@buckscc.gov.uk

Parks – if you’re looking for a place to let your little one to let off steam, High Wycombe is home to some great parks and playgrounds.

The two largest within easy walking distance of the town centre are:

The Rye, which boasts ducks and swans to feed, a revamped play area (including a large ship climbing frame), and a cafe during summer months – what’s not to love? 

The other is Hughenden Park.  Fifteen minutes walk from High Wycombe town centre, Hughenden Park is 25 beautiful hectares of National Trust land.  


With an adventure playground at one end, a cafe at the other and acres of hilly parkland in between, a morning running about and jumping on mole hills here will often mean a peaceful afternoon.

Sure Start Children’s Centres – based in Downley, Sands, Castlefield and other places across High Wycombe, Sure Start Centres offer a variety of support services for parents. 

As well as providing access to health visitors, the centres are a treasure trove of affordable fun activities. 


As one of my friends, Lisa - mum to 18 month old Dane - said:

“I initially went for breast feeding support and was given a timetable of activities while I was there.  


"I took Dane to messy play, dinky dancers and swimming. The sessions are fun, the paint doesn't go on your carpet and I've made some great friends who I now see regularly."

To find your nearest centre visit www.direct.gov.uk

Pets at Home – yes, this may sound a little strange but if your little one is hankering to see, or even better, touch some animals, Pets at Home based at Wycombe Retail Park is a great place to visit.  

As well as offering a large selection of marine life to gape at (remember, no tapping on the glass!) they run events to meet the smaller animals, such as guinea-pigs, rats and rabbits. Call them or drop in to find out when the events are on. http://www.petsathome.com/

If you have other suggestions of free places kiddleywinks love to hang out, in High Wycombe, or anywhere, I would love to hear them.

Baby Fight Club

The first rule of Baby Fight Club is: you do not talk about Baby Fight Club.

The second rule is: you never laugh at Baby Fight Club.


The third rule is: keep it clean: no hair pulling, no dummy spitting, no pooping.


I attended my first Baby Fight Club yesterday.  It was held at an unassuming Church Hall nearby. I had got to know about it through word of mouth.

The lady on the door (who I only knew as 'Mrs Wendy') didn't say much, just gave me a nod and asked if I wanted to buy a raffle ticket. £1 a strip, I thought, why not? 

Nervous, as I had never been part of a gathering like this before, I went inside and waited with the others. 

In front of me were babies of all different sizes, some wearing tabards, some wearing tea cloths, others, particularly the smaller ones, wore wings.

Next, there was shouty singing, followed by awkward dancing. But no one could quite prepare me for what would happen next.

While two babies tended a smaller baby at the front, one of the smaller winged babies at the back - apparently frustrated with the lack of action - lunged at the small winged baby next to it. 

Startled, the smaller baby flailed a bit before standing up and trying to move away.

Unperturbed, the aggressor continued, this time making a clumsy grab for the smaller baby's halo in an attempt to bring her to the ground.  


Knowing things were getting dirty, 'Mrs Wendy' stepped in telling the one who started the fight to 'keep her hands to herself'. 


After the ugliness, they tried to continue as before with more shouty singing and flappy dancing. But the soiled elephant in the room was still there.          


Once it was over, I knew what I had just witnessed would change me. How could it not? 

On the drive home, there was one question that kept coming back again and again in my mind: 

"How do I tell my husband, the father of my child, that our only sweet first born daughter, tried to punch out another baby at her first nativity?"   

Look at me again, Mary, and I'll cut you

Blamey's Twelve Days of Christmas

Here's my special Christmas Countdown for fellow bah humbuggers out there who couldn't give a figgy pudding about Christmas yet either:

1. The number of annoying, smug-fest adverts excreted by John Lewis (whose wet warbley soundtrack is bound to be the Christmas number one) which features a boy counting the minutes to give his present to his mum and dad.  

As Charlie Brooker put it, what you're actually watching is the awakening of psychopath-in-training and that the box actually contains the head of the family dog. 

2. The number of times your children will alert you to the fact that they have located, played with and got bored of, their presents.

3. The number of times you will go to M&S to try to buy a Christmas pudding, only to find they've been snaffled by pigeon faced pensioners and men wearing mustard cords.  

4. The number of glasses of pinot noir you will need to inhale before you stumble over to your neighbour's 'turkey and tinsel' evening.

5. The number of heavy sighs you will make before reminding your other half again when the kiddleywinks nativity is.

6. The number of pairs of scissors you did have but can't find, leaving you to cut selotape with your teeth or gardening secateurs.

7. The number of times you will utter "I knew we should have had Christmas to ourselves this year" whilst fidgeting at your in-laws because Elf is on and everyone else wants to watch Downton Abbey.

8. The number of times you will need to replenish the bottles of Cava you have stashed in the garage for Christmas Day, before Christmas Day.

9. The number of extra pounds you will acquire from hoovering up  Cadbury's Roses like a chocolate scoffing magpie. Step away from the tin Cakey Price.

10. The number of times you will regret insisting on a real tree ('because it smells Christmassy'), when you find a special present from the cat in its pot and are still tweezering pine needles from your feet at Easter.  

11. The number of times you wake up in the night doubting whether you actually turned the Christmas tree light off.  Wait, I'm sure...is that burning I can smell...?

12. The number of laughs you will have by asking anyone under the age of five to slap their cheeks and pull the face of Macualey Culkin in the Home Alone poster.

So, did I miss any?  Please feel free to add your christmas crackers below.












 

Take two dates, some boggly eyes, half a bottle of pinot grigio and what do you get?

Only the best stop motion 'Save the Date' wedding film that's ever been made!

Living with a filmmaker can take you to some strange and wonderful places but none more strange than this week, when I helped create a unique 'Save the Date' wedding film.

The new shiznit in the world of weddings - and definitely trumping those flimsy fridge magnets - is for couples to create their own 'Save the Date' wedding film to send to family and friends.  

Already huge in America - only they do it in a much more cheesey mcpeasy way -  these little emailable beauties are catching on in the UK. 

To show visitors to Matt and Pete's wedding film website http://www.rozierwilkinson.com what a Save the Date film looks like, we created a homesspun version using, amongst other things, our pug, some birds (twitter variety) and two woolly dinosaurs.  

You can sneak a peek here...

Alex and Sarah's 'Save The Date' Film from Blind Crow Pictures on Vimeo.

Sick, Sicker or Sickest - The How Poorly Are You Test

I always go by the 'Tenner Test' to tell the difference between a cold and the flu. 

It goes like this: If you see a 10-pound note on the pavement outside and there is no way you would go and get it, you have flu. 

If you have a cold, well then, the milky bars are on you.

Quite frankly, for the past ten days, if John Cusack - my celebrity crush du jour - had been wearing a suit of crumpled fifties outside my house, I'd have not given a hairy goose.

I am not sure what category of flu I have but it's bronchial, it's tickly and I honk like Will Self from the moment I wake up to when I go to bed.  

If it was a hurricane it would probably be called 'Hurricane La La Princess Pea' beacuse the cuter the name the more vicious it is.

Anyway enough about me, how are you? Are you feeling poorly? Here are ten ways to tell how sick you are.

You're a 'little bit' sick if:

1. You can't do anything useful, i.e., take out the rubbish, but can eat Maltesers while watching back to back Grey's Anatomy and Ghostbusters, very well.

2. You are able to muster enough strength to make a small journey to the little Tesco to stock up on essentials, such as, Nurofen, crumpets, Twinings tea bags and a flake.    


3. You are valiantly carrying on as usual, shopping for a lovely new pair of boots for Winter, doing an oil change, craniofacial surgery etc.


You are 'moderately' sick if:

4. You have called work and actually feel a bit sick.

5. You can't face a Sunday dinner (including yorkshires), or a cooked breakfast of any kind.


6. You think it's a good idea to have the sick bowl (i.e. your largest cake mixing bowl) pivoted on the arm of the sofa, 'just in case'


You are 'seriously' sick if:


7. You are lying face down on the bed, fully clothed (including outerwear and shoes) with one side of your face lying on an ever increasing circle of pillow spit

8. You're staring at the bottom of one of those grotty toilet brush holders, a little lost sponge stuck to the waste pipe at the back of your loo and someone else's feet

9. Normal standards of cleanliness have been abandoned in favour of: 'I know it's the spoon reserved for the cat food but I really need to take this medicine now'.


10. You look down to see that your two-year old is rolling a ball of used chewing gum between their fingers and just shrug.
 
There you have it, Dr Blamey's surgery is now closed due to 'serious' illness.  Please feel free to leave your comments below.